Part 7 : Bullying in the Eye of the Victims : The Savior

Something slipped my mind while I was writting my blog. It was and still is one of the biggest things that helps me get through the day. I am talking about God. He brought me out of a very dark place, even though he did it through a different person, he still did it. He was always there for me even when I didnt believe it. Even when I begged for him to end my pain, even when my dad was taken from me, even when I thought that I couldnt handle any more stress and heartbreak, something made me know deep down that it was going to be ok, and after i started to go back to church i realised that it was god who cared enough for me to tell me that everything will turn out alright. It's hard to survive in the world, becuase its so harsh and cruel. I learned that at a very young age, and the majority of the people who are my age havent even figured it out yet. There were times when i just wanted everything to end. I just wanted it to stop, and I stopped myself from doing anything. I knew that it had to be god stopping me. Today, i have to thank him for stopping me, and helping me, he saved my life. I realize now that if i were to have done something stupid, I would have regretted it. I just wish that my dad would have been there to stop me from doing something, but if he was there, then I wouldnt feel the pain that cuased me to think of doing stupid things, and i wouldnt feel the pain becuase my dad dying was what cuased it.

Part 6 : Bullying in the Eye of the Victims : What is the Color of Bullying

To some people, this might seem silly, but if you really think about it, years ago, it mattered to many people in America, if you were white and if you were black, and they characterised the person by their color. In my opinion i think that people should characterise bullying as a color, and thats becuase it has kind of become a type of person. Bullies are called that becuase they act so cruel and rude to other people, but what many people dont realise is that bullies are victims as well. You may disagree with me, but just think about it, how could a person be so low to try to bring another person down to their level. That is what they do, and after that, they do whatever they can to keep them at that level, then they realise that if they are insluting that person, they are bassically insulting themselves. Cuase they had brought that person to THEIR level, and then they start to bring that person down lower than them, and in some cases, it brings that person so low, that they dont see any worth in their lives, and they kill themselves, or try to. Bullying leads to people killing themselves in to many cases, and sometimes, it leads to other things that involve people hurting themselves. Killing themselves and cutting themselves can usually lead to blood shed, and blood is red. That's why, in my opinion, the color of bullying should be red. So when i talk to my friends about bullying, i say, oh their just in a red place, and when my friends ask me what i mean by that, i tell them what i just told you.

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To be continued.......

Part 5: Bullying in the Eye of the Victims: The End of a Beginning

Well, that's my story, for now, but it's not my ending. Great Story Right? What kind of story is that? All stories have an ending. Well, mine hasnt ended yet, and my blogs not over yet, becuase I have only told you my, STORY. Every story, every book, has a table of contents, a sumary, an index, and all i have really told you is, what i believe is called, "About the Author" So, i'm not done yet, i have only just begun. My Name is Katie Cross, I am the Author, and you know my story, NOW I am going to tell you everything there is to know about Bullying in the Eye of the Victims. Every once in a while I will tell you about things people have said to me, and i will refer to my life experiences

Part 4: Bullying in the Eye of the Victims: The Thoughts That Matter and the Ones that Don't Matter as Much

My life has always seemed different,but now, i just finnished the beginning of my new school. Still in the small area, but now I dont really care. I went to Niceville Florida Last Summer, and thats where my mom considers home, and now, its where i consider home. Theres the gulf of mexico, and beautiful beaches, and there is my moms friend Carrie, and Carrie's duaghter Ronnie, and i just miss it there. I want to work at Universal Studios in Orlando , and i want to be what is called the Head of Marketing. That job consists of designing packaging, buildings, and it consists of being an artist, and my moms other friend has that job and she got us into the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, and the rest of Universal Studios, for free, and i got to see what she got to do for a living, and i wanted to be part of that. It was so cool, and i just knew that that was what i wanted to do when i grew up. When I am thinking about these kind of things, I completely forget about all of those people who bullied me constantly, and it is the best place for me. That's why i want to move to Niceville, closer to Universal, and i cant help but think that i am meant to go and live in Niceville. I miss it there. It was an excape from all of the crap i have gone through. I just want to stop thinking about everything, but then i see my best friend, and I cant help but not want to go. He reminds me that i do have people who care about me here, and it's where all of my family is. I want to leave, but i also dont. Then, i remember that, sometimes you have to leave things behind to do what's best for you. Right now, I have a couple of years till I need to make that decision, so even though i think about my carreer choice a lot, I dont really need to take action just yet. Planning your life ahead of time is a very responsible thing to do, but its also like dwelling in the past, it keeps your mind away from whats happening in the present, what's happening now, what's really important to you now, even though you might not think that it is.

Part 3 Bullying in the Eye of the Victims: Discovering My True Potential

I have always loved to sing, and i have always love choir, but in elementary my choir teacher failed me every single year, and when i asked him why, he did not give me an answer, he luaghed in my face and then walked away. Of course with me being kind of stuborn, i decided to keep on being in choir through middle school, where i had an amazing solo for the beginning of Joyful Joyful from one of the sister act movies. It was really cool actually. In elementary school i had to take art and my art teacher failed me every year, and when i asked her why, she said, becuase your art work didnt meet the criterea. Well, at least she gave me an answer. She also kind of ended my art carreer, until one day in middle school, when i was doodling on my folder, and the Math teacher came around and said that my drawing was really good and she told me that i should take an art class. So i went home and  showed my mom the drawing, she looked really impressed. So the next semester, i left choir behind, and i was only going to do it for one semester, but my art teacher loved me, and said that i had amazing artistic skills, and she recomended that i take art club, and everone ion art club were impressed by my skills as well. So i found that no matter how hard people tried to insult my art work, they saw it and they couldntt insult it, becuase it was too good apparently. Every jerk made fun of my singing, so although i still sing in my free time, at school I am an artist. Not the performing kind, but the painting, drawing, sketching kind. Bullying changed the way i thought about myself, but i realised in middle school that what people say to me is just a load of crap trying to get me down, and yet again, with me being stuborn, I wouldnt let it get me down. In middle school i discovered my true potential.

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To be continued.....

Part 2: Bullying in the Eye of the Victims: On The Way To Recovery

After Elementary School I learned not to have high hopes, cause everyone tried to take my hope away from me. To tell you the truth, it worked. I went to the middle school with no hopes at all, i just wanted to get through the first day and then go hom eto where i wouldnt be bullied. The first day, nothing really happened. No one was mean to me, no one spit on me, everyone left me to myself. I sat alone at lunch, but thats all. It went like this for a couple of weeks. Then one day i went to school, and i was in the hallway and i had a huge amount of stuff that i was carrying. I had three text books, my book bag, my binder, my colored pencil box, etc, etc, and then someone ran into me and we both fell on the ground. I expected whoever had ran into to runh away luaghing or just get up and walk away, but when i looked in front of me, there was a guy from my grade and he was picking up my things and he appologised. For quite a while i just sat there, trying to calculate what was happening, and he was picking everything up, he didnt ask me to help him, he didnt ask ME to appologise for getting in his way. He just picked everything up, and handed it to me. He then introduced himself, and held out his hand and i just sat there starring at him like a freak. After a few minutes he started to luagh, and i asked him why he was luaghing at me, and he said that he wasnt luaghing at ME, he said that he was luaghing at my silence, and he held out his hand again and i shook it. Then he sat there waiting for something, and it took me a few seconds to realise that he wanted to know my name, and i told him that it was Katie Cross, and he looked at me for  a minute and he recognised me.  He said that he saw me sitting alone, but he didnt know if i wanted to sit alone, and i just sighed and said its the only thing i know how to do right. Then he looked at me like he was confused. He told me, he didnt ask me, to sit with him and his friends at lunch, and i said, ok. That was the first person who was nice to me at a school, and it fealt pretty good, and i am not going to lie to you. I had a crush on him, becuase he was nice. I guess it had something to do with me needing someone to love as a friend. He was kind, and we are still best friends to this very day. He turned my life upside down. Of course when i met him and we became friends i could not tell him anything about my past and I could not trust him, cuase everyone who i had ever trusted at a school, broke my heart. That was just sixth grade, and the next year when he asked me about who my parents were, and he wanted to meet them, i told him he couldnt, and he asked why, and i didnt know how to answer him. I had never told a single soul about my dad killing himself. It was like  a secret. I didnt have to tell my ex friend becuase she knew, and i didnt know how to tell him. Should i tell him strait up that he killed himself becuase he was very ill, should i tell him the whole story, should i just tell him that he was dead? I didnt know what to do and right there, he knew by the look of my face that I did not trust him and he was angry about it, and we just stopped talking to eachother for a while. Then one day i saw him sitting alone at lunch and that never happened to him. So i knew I had to tell him everything. Why i didnt trust him, what happened to my dad, that i was bipolar, every big detail. So i walked over to him and he looked sad, he looked up at me and looked back down and he whispered, Why dont you trust me? SO i sat down and started to explain, but before i did, i asked him if he had ever lost someone he loved, i dont know why i did, but i did. He told me, yeah i lost my great grandfather. Then i explained. Starting with my dad, then going to finding out i had bipolar disorder, then explaining what bipolar disorder was, then telling him about my bullying problem, then finally telling him about my friend, and he had tears in his eyes, and he said that he was sorry and he didnt know that i had been through so much. The strange thing about that moment was that i kind of felt a weight lift off of my shoulders, and I actually trusted him. It was weird. I had just told him why i didnt trust him, and then i trusted him when he appologised. After that day, i found it easier to trust people, but to this day, the only person other than my family, that i trust 100% is him, my best friend.

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To be continued.....

Part 1 : Bullying in the Eye of the Victims : Elementary Was The Worst

Just stay with me please. I promise all of this has a point:

My name is Katie Cross, and i have been bullied for over 10 years, so far. I have also been a girlscout for 8 years, and at the moment i am working on my Gold Award, the highest award you can earn as a girl scout. I am working on it as a single person, possibly with the help of a few grownups. The gold award is like the silver, and bronze award, but it's a lot more harder to earn. I have to go to a local girlscout board and present my idea, and then i have to get it approved. After that i will have to start taking action. For my gold award, I am going to do the thing that the state of Indiana refuses to do. I am going to take action against bullying.  I have a plan and I hope it works. I live in a small town, and it seems like the town is completely over runned by bullying. I see it every day, and if the state would just take their time and look at the situation, they might see that bullying is getting really bad and it really needs to be stopped. My dad killed himself when i was five years old, and bullying has become this sick sport. A girl was bullying me about my dad killing himself, and it hurt me so bad that my mom decided to take that girl to court. When we got to court the judge said that legally he could not do anything about it. What that judge did not realise was that when he said that, it made me feel like no one cared enough about me and my problems, that they would charge this sick person with something. I knew that the girl who i had taken to court had just seen her way into my life forever, and she knew that she could get away with it. Luckily this girl went to court many times before we took her to court. The judge told her to leave me alone or their would be consequences. It was still humiliating. That day i found out that people in the state of Indiana could bully you, and you couldnt do a thing about it. Of course there are school laws against it, but in my town, none of the schools did anything about it. Elementary School was the worst years of my life, including the year my dad died. I was pretty broken by the end of it. The only girl i ever trusted at elementary school was a family friend. I told her all of my secrets, but in fifth grade i started hearing rumors about her, and a lot of people were telling me that she was making fun of me behind my back. Of course, with me being completely against rumors, i didnt listen to those people. I just nodded and smirked. Then one day i was in the bathroom, and i heard her talking to one of her friends. She didnt know i was in the bathroom of course. She started out by saying that i was a good freind, and then she said that i was stupid enough to believe that she was MY friend. She said a lot more things that I am not going to tell you just yet, but whatever pieces of my heart that i had glued back together after they were shattered over and over again, those peices just fell apart, and it broke my heart. I truthfully didnt think that my heart could break anymore, but i was wrong. I turns out even a broken heart can be broken. Other than the hell that i was going through with bullying,  i found out that I had bipolar disorder and i went through medical changes, any affect, you name it, I went through it, on the side. I was being bullied tha whole time that i was taking different medicines and getting my blood drawn. In fifth grade they FINALLY found the correct medicine combination. Many of my family members said that i should feel normal, but they dont realise that normal people do not exist. None of us are the same, we all have differences, there for, we cannot be normal. People may argue with me, but loom up the definition of normal, and then TRY to apply it to life.....

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To be continued...